Reflections on Pakistan (Part VIII)

We ate dinner next door at Khala Zora's place. After complementing khala on the food he just finished, Ali Bahi turned to me and said: “Chalein?” ( ready to go?). I had developed a sense of attachment towards Ali Bahi. I don't quite know what it was about him. He had a very bright smile yet his eyes spoke of a pain he was trying to hide. I could see a restlessness within him. I felt he was the type of person, who would smile for others; he would keep everyone laughing while not allowing them to know his true feelings. He was very confident and outgoing too. That's what I liked most about him but at the same time it was what I was most intimidated by. I think if someone appears to be more confident than me, my natural reflex is hesitation.

In any case, when he asked me if I was ready to head back, I immediately responded with a “yep”. Wow, I thought. Even if I had wanted to stay at Khala's place, I probably wouldn't have...there was something within me that didn't want to let Ali Bahi down. As we made our way into the house, Ali Bahi asked me if I wanted to hang out for a bit before heading to bed. I enthusiastically accepted his offer. Upon entering his room, I felt a chill run down my spine. It was cold. I sat down on his bed watching him as his eyes searched the room for something he needed. “Here it is!”, he said with a jolt of feeling. It was a box of matches. He ripped one off and lit up the small gas heater on the floor. I was studying him as he was putting the matches back on the desk. I wanted to see under the garb of the superficial, but I knew that would only come in time. He finally took a seat on the carpeted floor and reached for a guitar case which was leaning against the wall. “Let me play you a few songs. I know I'm horrible but just bare with me, huh”, he said as he unbuckled the latches on the case.

As he said this, a feeling of anxiousness began to spread through my system. “Sure”, I responded, fighting hard not to make my voice sound shaky. Most music is forbidden within Islam and it is only certain types of music that are considered permissible. Since Islam is as vast an ideology as any other, there are adherents of Islam that allow for more flexibility on this issue. My set of beliefs, however, were clear when it came to music. My heart did not want to disobey my Lord and at the same time I wanted to start out on the right foot with Ali Bahi. The attachment I developed for him was not easing the burden to make the right decision. I let him play for some time as I juggled this thought in my mind. All along my sense of guilt was amassing on my chest making it harder and harder to breathe. What if he thinks I am an extremist? Or too religious? Ofcourse that translates into someone who is ignorant and for the most part follows a set of beliefs blindly. I wanted to have respect in his eyes. He was probably expecting a cousin who would think like him and could relate to him. Perhaps in another world and when I was another me, I would write the song as he played his guitar. It would have definitely brought us closer. On the other hand, I thought, the right thing is the right thing. The One who has created me is the One who gives and takes respect, so fearing losing respect was definitely a non-issue. Eventually, I mustered up the courage to tell him my stance. “Ali Bahi...”, I began. “I didn't mention this at first but I stopped listening to music a while back. I consider it a religious obligation to refrain from it.”, I finished waiting for a favorable response. “That's totally cool man. I respect your belief, bro. It isn't a big deal at all,” he said. “You should have told me straight off the bat though”. “Honestly, I didn't tell you in fear of hurting the chances of us becoming good friends. We just met and stuff so...” I responded as if I were admitting a sin I had just committed.

Our discussion really allowed me to be myself more. I was relieved of a burden and for it I thanked God. We branched off into other things as we talked that night. Ali Bahi asked me questions like why I considered music bad and what made me become so religious. He also opened up to me about his views on life and the like. I felt I was growing closer to him as we shared our thoughts. As far as music was concerned I tried to explain it to him in a way that would be easily understandable. The reasonsing is very straight forward. Islam promotes control over one's self and one's lower desires. This requires the intellect to be in charge and serve as the guiding light for one's behavior. Besides the obvious wrongs present in modern music like profanity, immorality, sexual promiscuity, and materialism, music tends to fluctuate the state of the soul rather rapidly. In other words, sometimes the music takes control of you. This ofcourse negates the entire concept of regulating one's self which is one of the basic principles of leading a healthy Islamic life. After doing this music bit, I proceeded to reminisce on how I became religious. In a nutshell, we all try to make sense of life. We are doing so at every moment of our existence. Sometimes we have a narrow vision and focus on individual aspects of our lives. For example, sometimes we are preoccupied with family problems or issues with a girl friend. Other times, we take a step back and ask those questions which encompass more than the components but the whole life. I'm talking questions like...Why do we exist?; Does this world have a purpose?; Is there a Care-Taker for this universe or is it the result of randomness and chance?; Without answering these fundamental questions, the life of a human being can be left meaningless and absurd. I am getting carried away but bear with me as I connect this back to original issue at hand. How did I become religious? I, like everyone else, was engrossed in the day to day and week to week problems of life. I had a very short term vision and was searching for immediate satisfaction. Eventually, I met a person who held religion in greater esteem than me and through that simple meeting those fundamental questions were reinvoked within me. A drive to answer them followed suit and when religion filled that hole in me and simplified this grand universe into a formula which was both sensible and comforting to the soul, it was nothing but a flame of love that ignited within me. It has been growing and fighting to remain a blaze since then and it is that same passion that has me writing these pieces of reflection today! Long story short, I fell in love with truth.

After giving Ali Bahi my heart, I awaited the chance to peek into his soul. He told me he too believed in Islam although he didn't follow all the practical guidelines. I think he felt that being a good hearted person with the right principles was most important. Ali Bahi also clarified that he knew the practical aspects of the religion were his duty to carry out and that God would judge him for his sins. From what Ali bahi related to me, I sensed within him a helplessness and at the same time a hope in the Mercy of his Lord. The helplessness in that he felt that he could not perform all of his duties and the hope that God would forgive him for these shortcomings. It would be very easy for me to judge him and say that his condition is no excuse to avoid the practical duties a Muslim has on his/her shoulders but alas...only He knows the conditions and hardships His servants undergoe. What I can say is that wherever it exists, I do not ever want to feel helpless in the face of wrong and evil. When I see this state in others I hope it pushes me to fight against my own helplessness in the face of my weaknesses and deficiencies. Easier said than done but the intention is the driving force behind the action. This reminds me of a tradition from the great leader of Islam, Imam 'Ali (as) (not a quote but the general idea), who says: “Take lesson from what you dislike in others”. There was much more to learn from 'Ali bahi and I was excited about what was to come ahead.

After our 'deep' talk, I went to my room to get some shut-eye. I was trying to maintain a routine of reciting the Qur'an those days before going to sleep and this night too, I took out the Holy Book. As I began to read, my heart stopped at what was being said. It was almost as if God knew exactly what I had been through and was talking directly to me through the Qur'an. I was in tears as I read on. For a moment I began to doubt whether this was for real...Believe it or not, the next line was as follows: “Never doubt that the essence of truth is from your Lord”. With that sense of security, I closed my eyes to a beautiful night...

Reflections on Pakistan (Part VII)

After finishing the meal with my new-found family, there was talk of cutting the meat which was to be distributed. Eid, which is a Muslim holiday, begins with prayer at the Masjid and is succeeded by the sacraficing of an animal. Namely, a lamb, sheep, goat or cow. After sacraficing the animal, the meat is to be distributed into three portions. One for yourself, the other for kith and kin, and the last for the poor and needy. I was in Pakistan alone and my direct family from back home had requested that an animal be sacraficed on their behalf. It was a goat. Before we sacraficed the little guy, I got a chance to see it. It was beautiful. I had the opportunity to pat it and even take a few pictures with it! I was told that normally one should spend time with the animal they are going to sacrafice so that a bond develops between the person and the animal. This way the person who raises and cares for the animal has to carry out the sacrafice. In this manner, the individual truly feels how difficult it is to sacrafice something you love for a greater cause. This enactment of sacrafice on Eid is in commemoration of the Qur'anic account of Abraham being commanded to sacrafice his beloved son.

Growing up in America, I had never heard of it this way. The sacrafice never really meant much when it came to the realm of the heart. All I knew was that you had to sacrafice the animal, period. I must say that it was a valuable insight into my faith and for that matter into the nature of sacrafice itself. The true essence of sacrafice is directly linked to the condition of the heart. Meaning that inwardly, it should be a monumentous trial. It should require utmost patience, certitude, and trust in God. Through it, the heart should be strenghtened and faith perfected. I only wish that I could have had the opportunity to develop a bond with the animal to be sacraficed and thus truly feel the sacrafice but the circumstances did not permit me at the time.

In the afternoon, I accompanied Ali and Wajid Bahi to Nanni Khala's house, my other aunt. Some of the men from the family were gathering there to cut the meat. We were traveling down a narrow alleyway with buildings on both sides. The path widened after a few feet of driving and it was on the side there that we parked the car. All three of us got out of the car and walked along the path until we got to an open area. The floor was made of gray stones like in the old English towns. Sitting on it was a big puddle of blood that initally surprised me. I was careful to walk around it as we made our way to a man who was instructing a person whose profession, by the looks of it, was to kill and skin the animals to be sacraficed. Eventually, my eyes fell upon the dead cow laying on the ground. It had a lot of what was normally within it pulled out in front of its stomach. I had never seen anything like this before and believe it or not, I didn't have a sqeamish reaction. It was merely a feeling of wonder that I experienced.

The man doing the ordering was Khan uncle, my aunt's husband. We shook hands and exchanged greetings. There was some meat already waiting to be cut so the work had to begin immediately. I took my seat next to Ali Bahi who guided me on the process. I tried doing a little cutting myself but it was no sooner than I started, that I was slowing everyone down. Because of this I was given a different task. It is funny how sometimes you really want to help but the result of your good intention is negative. I almost felt helpless coming from an environment where I had learned the ins and outs of many day to day tasks to a place where I couldn't handle one simple task properly. It was as though I was starting all over and had to re-learn the basics of living in a society. I suppose it is natural given that it was a totally different culture and people. It also made me realize how helpless Man really is...it takes him an extremely long amount of time to get comfortable with and master his environment and the minute you take him out of his comfort zone, its back to square one!

After we finished cutting the meat, it was time to distribute a portion to the poor. Khan uncle was in charge of the task. Many young kids with scruffy clothes came running to get the meat. Before long, a crowd of young children gathered around Khan uncle. Some had come with bags made of cloth, others with plastic bags, and some even with pots. It was scene that truly took me aback. What was most disturbing to me was that there was no sense of self dignity in the manner with which these children were begging. They were pushing one another out of the way and practically fighting each other to put their bags before Khan uncle. I sensed that those children were much older than their age. There were no cartoons or fairy tales on their minds...they were focused. They had a goal and purpose in mind and were willing to do anything to accomplish it. I wondered if those children had been sent by their parents because it was more effective in gaining the sympathy of others. It was a sad thought but I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be true. Amongst the crowd of children was a woman who was also pushing and shoving to put her pot before Khan uncle. Once he filled it with meat, she would take the meat out and say to Khan uncle, “You didn't give me anything.” She did this a number of times before Khan uncle began to yell at her. “Fear God!”, he said over and over again. The scene was really making me sick. I thought to myself, the audacity of that woman! First of all, she was shamelessly fighting with the children to get the meat and secondly she was using deception as a tool to fulfill her needs. I wasn't too happy about Khan uncle's reaction either. I suppose I wanted him to be gentler in the way he approached the situation.

I told Ali Bahi how I felt but didn't get much of a response. Nonetheless, I carried an ill feeling in my breast all the way back home. I was hoping I could bounce my thoughts off of someone else and that chance eventually came when I talked to my cousin Sammi. When I expressed my feelings to her, she had a totally different stance. At first I couldn't quite understand where she was coming from so a small argument broke out. Needless to say, throughout our discussion we were both observing our manners. She was doing so more than myself, given that I get very passionate at times. Her point was simple: What I saw was the natural result of poverty on a people. Essentially, poverty drives people to such a low point that they lose all manners and sense of self-respect. I, on the other hand, felt that poverty was no excuse to forego one's manners and morality. In retrospect, there are some alterations I've made to my stance. For one, there is no way that I would be as certain about what I was saying if I had actually been in the shoes of those children and lived their lives. In a nut shell, it is very easy to judge a people when you are not in their position. I wondered whether their parents had even given them the concept of standing by principles like honesty, integrity, and self-respect. Some of them probably didn't even have any parents and therefore the streets must have been their teacher and best friend. In such a situation, could they really be blamed? I imagine being one of those children initially having my God-given sense of morality. I wonder how long it would last when I would see all the other children around me competing with each other for ends meet. In such an environment, it is almost certain that a moral child would starve to death. Survival of the fittest! I find myself amazed at using an evolutionary concept more applicable to animals for these children...the offspring of humanity. Despite this new-found realization, I do believe that ideally noone should give up their morality under any circumstance. There are certain things, after all, that are worth dying for. I also feel motivated to change the circumstances of the poor after seeing and experiencing such a scene.

It was quite a day of discovery and introspection. Tommorrow lay ahead in this strange land that I was born in...Pakistan.